Try to Stay Awake and Remember My Name
by laughingnobody
Summary: One year. That's all they get with each other. But bittersweet endings just aren't enough for Dean, are they? [Destiel Domestic AU]


**Author's Notes:**

-Title taken from Keane's "Everybody's Changing" (and various lyrics throughout)  
-Part of my collection of AO3 oneshots  
-Wrote this a while back after I read Twist and Shout because I was a sad mess  
-Hope you enjoy reading this piece!

* * *

The year 2015 pulled up around the corner, pushing any memory of the previous year in a hole to be forgotten. Filed in a locked cabinet, buried deep in a chest beneath the sea, or simply erased. Everyone's minds were wiped clear of any existing thought about any year prior to the current one. New minds, new people, new inventions, new lovers, new places; the list could go on forever.

At the end and beginning of every year, the thirty-first of every December and the first of every January, when the clock strikes midnight, like a ruined Cinderella story, everyone's minds go blank for a single minute as the year seems to restart itself.

People awaken from the stance and forget who they are, forget their family, their friends, and enemies. They walk out through open doors, switching identities as if they haven't forgotten their double lives. New family, new jobs, new hobbies, new personalities; the list switches, carefully calculating each person, giving them a new mind and tucking their old ones into a dusty box.

It prevented wars and conflict, debts and revenge. The world was a happier place. Trade flourished, people cherished, health nourished.

It seemed perfect.

—

Flashback

January 1, 2014

1:00 pm / 13:00

Castiel walked off the bus, turning his head as it pulled away. He had four numbers stuck in his head: 7594

He knocked shyly on the door, not knowing who was on the other side, but knowing that his heart would burst out of his chest if he didn't meet them. The door stayed closed and Castiel knocked again. And again. And again. His eyebrows burrowed in confusion, and he glanced at the slip of paper in his hands again. 7594. Then up at the door. 7594.

Castiel banged his head on the door and stepped back when he heard the lock click. The knob slowly turned and a man in his 20s stuck his head out. Earphones were jammed in his ears and he pulled one out, giving Castiel a huge smile.

"You must be Castiel. I'm Dean. Sorry, I couldn't hear you." His green eyes sparkled with excitement. He let Castiel in the house, and they lounged on a red sofa in front of the fireplace, talking for hours and eating chocolate covered strawberries and singing and dancing to loud music until the new neighbors threatened to phone the police.

Castiel became the shiny new toy in Dean's life. It made him happy knowing that Castiel would be his for a whole year, but also upset him to know that time flies when you're having the time of your life.

And then Castiel would just become another stranger who would watch Dean throw a coin into a fountain while he wished for unspoken things, the stranger who would act like he never played an important part in Dean's life, the stranger whose role written out of Dean's script.

_You're gone from here_

_And soon you will disappear_

_Fading into beautiful light_

—

Fast forward

December 31, 2014

6:00 pm / 18:00

Castiel slammed the dishes into the sink and Dean looked up from the television. He heard the television mute and Castiel placed his hands on the kitchen counter, gripping it so tight, his knuckles turned white.

"You okay?" Dean asked from couch.

"Do I look like I'm okay?" Castiel said quietly and threw a look to Dean, who was sprawled out, not giving a care in the world.

"I don't know. Come here and I'll make it all better." Dean turned his head back to the television, unmuting it.

"There's nothing you can do, Dean." Castiel turned back to the sink and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose.

"I know," was Dean's reply and Castiel threw a plate at him, missing his head, and it hit the wall with a shattering noise.

"Jesus, Christ, Cas!" Dean yelled getting up from his spot. "We're about to have our fucking memory erased in less than 6 hours and you're doing the damn dishes?!"

"It keeps my mind off of it, Dean." Castiel snapped. "And you're no help at all. You act like you don't give a shit about what happens."

"Of course I do, Cas. I just don't act like a little bitch about it. Let me say it again: There is nothing we can do about it." Dean walked closer to Castiel, pointing a finger at him. His partner slapped it away.

"You know what? Fuck you and your stupid hair and your stupid clothes and fuck you entirely YOU SELFISH SON OF A—"

—

7:00 pm / 19:00

"I'm sorry." Castiel whispered. The two were lying lazily on the bed after enjoying a last goodbye lovemaking. Castiel been going on and on about how selfish he thought his partner was until Dean promptly shut up him with his mouth.

_"Stop, Dean. You're distracting me from being mad at you." Castiel had cried, trying to pull away from Dean, but his grip only tightened until Castiel melted in his arms._

"'S okay." Dean muttered, making circles in Castiel's palm.

"No, it's not, Dean." His partner groaned and snuggled closer to him. "I'm sorry. I love your hair and your clothes. Did you know that I wear them while you're at work because they smell like you?"

"Yes. I know because they smell like you when I wear them." Dean wrapped his free arm around Castiel's arms, pulling him closer.

"You know I love you, don't you?" Castiel said, barely audible.

"I do. And I'm sorry today is such a shitty day to spend our last moments together." Dean smiled in his hair.

_So little time. _

_Try to understand that I'm t__rying to make a move just to stay in the game. _

—

11:45 pm / 23:45

Dean sat down in his car, wringing his hands back and forth. He found the soft hum of the engine comforting for his last day with his brother and partner. The radio was playing Christmas music through the old speakers. It's amazing how much a single year could change a person. He had the perfect job and the perfect home that he could finally call his. He fell in love with Castiel the moment he met him, and he was the best friend Dean ever had. But how could he say that? It wasn't fate or destiny that he found them. He was programmed, like a robot with no control over themselves. He probably felt that way about others during previous years, even if he couldn't remember them.

Dean shook his head from the thought, forgetting for a second where he was. The clock blinked 11:45 pm as the engine continued to rumble beneath him. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly, savoring the last few minutes he had.

"Dean." Castiel's soft voice came from beside him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean looked up and faked a reassuring smile, but he knew Castiel could see right through it.

"Dean, you know this happens every year. You'll find a new job, a new house, and you'll live a new life. You'll fall in love again and be happy." Castiel murmured, playing with a frayed thread on his sweater.

"Yeah, I bet you've told that to some other person last year too." Dean scoffed and turned his head to face the window.

"And even if I did, there's nothing you can do about it." His partner sighed and put a hand on Dean's shoulder. He shrugged it off and Castiel frowned.

"Dean, look at me." Castiel said sternly. Dean raised an eyebrow and turned his head forwards, not quite meeting Castiel's gaze. "Just please listen to me for a moment."

"I'm listening." Dean muttered and turned his head back to the window.

"Dean, I— Dean, stop facing the goddamn window for a second and look at me." Castiel snapped, annoyance growing in his throat.

"What?" Dean finally turned, and a stream of hot tears rolled down his cheeks. Castiel's face softened.

"I-I love you. I just want you to know that. And I know you won't remember me or ever see me again, but—" Castiel said, wiping the tears from Dean's face with his thumb. Dean leaned forward and kissed him suddenly, desperate for affection. He felt Castiel lean into his touch before pulling away.

"No. No. No, Dean. Don't do this to me right now." Castiel gulped and bit his lip. His hands clenched Dean's shirt without realizing it and he smoothed the wrinkles out when they let go. Their foreheads leaned against each other's as the car filled with the sound of their breathing and the soft hum of the engine.

"Can we just talk?" Castiel whispered, his breath hot against Dean's mouth. Dean took his hands and kissed his fingers before answering.

"Yeah, whatever you want to do." He looked up at Castiel's blue eyes and burned the picture into his mind, knowing it was useless when the time came to restart the year. There was a long silence before Castiel said anything. The Eagles' Please Come Home for Christmas played softly in the background as the duo stared silently at one another.

"I know I've probably said this to," Castiel suddenly gave a grim laugh and his voice cracked, "like ten other people in the past. So you can either take me seriously or not."

"Cas," Dean started.

"I want you to know, that if-if we ever figure this out, if we somehow find our way back to each other, whether it's one day from now or 10 years, I'll still love you as much I do right now. " His voice quivered and Dean squeezed his hands slightly.

"Cas, don't say that right now." Dean sighed, drawing small circles in the palm of Castiel's hand.

"No, Dean. Promise me that if we have a chance, you won't give up on me. Promise me." Castiel's voice was pleading, tears forming in his eyes and he glanced at the clock. They had a less than five minutes.

"I promise." Dean said, kissing Castiel's eyelids and they fluttered shut.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Castiel whispered breathlessly over and over like a prayer that would help him feel better. He rocked back and forth in Dean's arms, repeating his silent prayer again and again.

"There'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain." Dean murmured into his hair, kissing it softly.

"And I'll be happy once again." Castiel finished and looked up just as the clock struck twelve.

"Happy New Year's, love. I'll see you soon." Dean said and pecked Castiel on his lips, holding him tight.

"No, no, no. Don't leave me, Dean." Castiel begged, tugging at Dean's hands and hair and shirt. The fear flew in his eyes like Dean had never seen before. They were bright yet dark and switched back and forth between emotions as if his eyes couldn't decide how to feel. Pain, lust, rage, passion, agony, desire, misery, love. "Please!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Cas. I'll be right here. Don't you ever forget that. I'll be right—"

Then it came.

The pain jolted up his body and Dean jerked. It was like having a thousand needles stabbing his body from inside out. It reached out to every inch of his body, every nerve felt like it was on fire, but nothing could be compared to what his mind felt. His head ached as if someone was trying to squeeze his brain out, temples stung as if someone stabbed them with an ice pick.

He felt his grip tighten against Castiel's arms and Castiel's hands fell off him, going limp. Dean reached out into air trying to hold him closer.

Memories flashed though his mind. Precious memories that Dean would never let go of.

_Castiel laughing in the back of the seat of the car when Dean pulled over to tickle him senseless, Dean nipping at Castiel's ear while he was reading, their first I love yous, walking quickly to the back of the library to make out between the dusty bookshelves, throwing Castiel in the pool and jumping in afterwards, getting locked out of the house while it was pouring and cuddling in the car, how Castiel set his sandwich on fire with firecrackers and ate it anyways, Castiel wrapping his arms around Dean's waist every day as a Welcome home, the first time he saw Castiel…_

It was all too much for Dean. He would not forget who Castiel was, even if it took all his power. He concentrated on the image of Castiel's eyes as a familiar, yet mysterious, sensation jolted through his body and into his mind.

White light crowded the edges of the picture in his thoughts as Dean's mind ached for mercy. He could see the light closing in quickly, Castiel's blue eyes glowing with happiness, with rage, with passion.

The look of fear in Castiel's eyes when the clock turned 12:00.

"Don't leave me, Dean." Castiel had whispered. "Please." The word slipped from his lips.

And Dean's forced to watch his life drain out of Castiel's eyes, which was ironically the only thing that held his whole universe together.

A loud ringing noise clouded his ears, but Dean forced himself to keep his mind open, to not give in to the pain. Castiel was his and nothing was going to take him away.

_You're aching, you're breaking, and I can see the pain in your eyes_

Dean leaned back and a yell ripped from his throat. He banged his head on his fists, the picture of Castiel the only thing keeping him awake—

Then it was over.

Unforgotten memories surged through Dean's head and he opened his eyes to see his partner sitting in the passenger seat. He rubbed the area on his body where Dean had gripped him tight, not wanting to let go. Castiel's face was blank and he blinked a few times, glancing around the car. "Cas?" Dean asked slowly, trying to get his attention.

Castiel looked towards Dean with a confused expression on his face. Then Dean leaned forward and kissed him hard on the lips. For a second, Dean felt that Castiel had not disappeared from him and had a small shred of hope that his partner would once again lean into his arms and hug him close.

Instead, he pushed Dean away forcefully, giving him a look of disgust and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Who are you?"


End file.
